The Night/Day I Officially Lost My Mind

Yup.

Apparently that day is today.


I had planned to write something really nice today and post some pictures. But somewhere between 1 and 2 am last night it was lost (like my mind).


Drayson (and his crib) are now full time inhabitants of Caleb's room--so I guess that officially makes it Caleb & Drayson's room (did I mention it's also a room of coughs & runny noses?). I've been dreading this day like the plague. It has not disappointed. If I've lost you, here's the bottom line: we haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep. If it's not Drayson, it's Caleb--and last night it was both + Caleb's dog Benny. I couldn't do it anymore. I pleaded for Chip to go (even though I knew he had a huge day at school today, not to mention a crazy rest of the week that includes a weekend long master's class). So throw some guilt on top as well. He went and worked his Daddy magic (in the patient way that he does). *Add more guilt.* All I could do was lay there with my pillow over my head and think "I am in way over my head" "how am I going to handle another?" "where did this train jump the track?" "am I a bad mother?" "how do other people make it seem so easy?" (and all the other crazy things your sleep deprived brain conjures up at 2am).


But, when I woke up this morning, the heavy feeling had not disappeared. I may officially be in a funk. A pre-partum? funk. My list from the night before of everything I was going to accomplish today sat laughing at my from the counter. Even when I turned it over--it stilled laughed and mocked me. So today my house has sat in a sad state of disarray (that happens to match my sad un-showered state of disarray). I even left my house in such a state to take Caleb to preschool (a definite low point for me). My children have for the most part endlessly tortured each other and me. And just because I am complaining, let's add 1 more thing to the list: I wish we had shed-less dogs (or possibly no dogs at all).


And I wish I could say I was one of those people who doesn't care and let myself off the hook. But then I just feel like a guilty failure.


During a blissfully quiet part of the day when Caleb was at preschool and Drayson was asleep I was uploading pictures to the computer. And I almost felt as if I was coming out of my fog. I could see all the bright spots that I know in my heart I have been blessed with. Remembered that just last week I was feeling good and prepared and excited. And I sanely thought to myself: all of this is just hormones and lack of sleep. And I almost felt OK with it all.


But then Caleb came home from preschool and started in his sassy way of his (that has recently became his full time MO). And Drayson was doing his whiny cry when he can't get exactly his way--and I felt my patience and my mind just run away all over again.


Now I am asking myself why I have written this? How awful? How ungrateful I must sound. Will I ever want to look back and remember feeling this way? But for some reason I know I am going to push that 'publish post' button when I am done. Because when I started this blog I wanted it to depict my life--my real life--not just the high points.

I pray that my mind returns swiftly. And until then I will try and remember:

this

and this

this smile

how adorable she will be in this

and how this will never stop melting my heart

In the meantime, maybe you could all say a quick prayer of perseverance for me?