And Now You Know

Do you have something that you haven't shared with many people? I do.
Here it is from the beginning.

When I found out last September that I was expecting again we were shocked, nervous & obviously excited. But there was something else. I was terrified. Terrified that something would happen to the baby, to me, to Chip, to the boys. You get the idea. Driving over the bridge I would always think "how will I get all of us out in time if we go over into the river?" It was pretty intense. And no one else seemed to share my feelings (I guess they didn't have crazy hormones coursing through their bodies/brains either). I started to feel a little crazy and so I just stopped telling anyone. Maybe it was because we already had 2 healthy babes. Who was I to ask for more?

And then we went for our 20 week ultrasound. I was convinced they would tell me I was having another boy. And I did not want to be disappointed over that. So I just kept telling myself, "as long as the baby is healthy it does not matter." And when the ultrasound tech told us just 5 minutes into it that we would indeed be having a girl, I almost died. So freaking ecstatic! And then I think I just sat there with this perma grin on my face for the next 45 minutes. Itching to get out of there and go buy something ridiculously frilly. For that 45 minutes I was in heaven, at peace, not thinking of any of the things that could be wrong or that I had obsessed over for the earlier 20 weeks.

While we waited for the Dr. to come in and chat with us, we laughed and talked and dreamed.

But when he came in he was all business. He wanted to show us a spot on the scans near her heart that could be an indicator for Downs. He didn't want me to worry, but could you please go downstairs and give blood so we can test for yada, yada, yada. The test should be back in a few days, in the meantime, don't give it another thought, this is just a precaution. Chip seemed to accept this. I on the other hand did not.

They drew my blood. We got in the car. And I lost it. Lost it. Chip tried to console me, but there is just no way he could understand what I was feeling. I had known there was something wrong. Everybody just poo-pooed it away. But I had known!

People started calling/texting. All wanting to know the sex of the baby. I made Chip talk to all of them. I should have been texting every single last person I knew, screaming it from the roof tops "I got my girl!" But I was trapped in a fog of confusion, worry & self-centeredness. We decided not to tell anyone until the test came back (except for a few family members and very dear friends). No need to worry everyone.

I did not go out that very day and buy her the sweet dress I had dreamed of. I played the "life is changed forever game" for the next 5 days. No prom, no wedding, no regular girl stuff. That was just the surface of my worries. Self-pity, what about our plans for when the kids were raised and gone? Self-doubt, how could I handle this, a child with severe disabilities, sometimes I could barely handle the two completely healthy quote un-quote "normal" children I had already. What about life expectancy, my deepest fear come to be; one of my sweet babies leaving this earth before me. Gut wrenching.

It was like I was living a lie. I felt like I might burst and spew all of these things on the next person who called to say "Congrats, I heard it was a girl."

And when 'the day' arrived. And I heard the phone ring. And finally it was the doctor's office on my caller-ID, I curled up in a little ball on the floor to listen to the news that I was convinced would change my life forever.

"Mrs. Elfering, your test came back negative, there is nothing to be concerned about."

And I sobbed. But I couldn't let it go. The feelings I had all along. They stayed with me for the duration of my pregnancy. Nagged at me for 20 long weeks. Robbing me of the absolute crazy amazing joy I should have been feeling. An always present whisper that said "something is still wrong." It took me weeks until I made my first baby purchase.

We were scheduled to be induced on April 27th. But after 15 long hours of labor, I just would not progress past a 7. Some where around hour 8 my mind started going crazy. Something was wrong. Ultrasound showed baby was transverse, we would need a C-section. And you know most of the rest if you read this post and this post. What you didn't know was that when she came out and she wasn't breathing, the one coherent thought I made and can actually remember was "I was so worried about her not being perfect and now she is dead."

But she wasn't. And when I woke up out of my induced haze, I think I still expected to find a little girl with almond shaped eyes and a flat nose starting back at me. But I didn't. She is as close to perfect as they come. You know what though, even if I had woken up to a little girl with Down's, I hoped I would have thought that she was perfect too.

So when I stumbled upon this blog last month, it squeezed something in my heart and shook something in my soul. Read Nella's birth story here. I can't get enough of her blog, her pictures, her outlook on life. I wait patiently for more sweet pictures of the smiley girl with the squinty eyes. I can't help but think that could have been us. I hope I could have still been a good mom even in a difficult situation.

How silly of me to wait for so long to buy my baby her first pretty dress. What exactly did I think she would wear? Can only perfect babies wear pretty dresses? How naive I was. How ashamed I am for the things I thought. But you see? No one is perfect. Not me, not even my Miss Kearyn. We all have room for improvement. This will grow me and teach me. It will make me a better mother, a more compassionate human being. It already has.

And here's the thing. I thought I knew. And again I am humbled. Because I realize again, what I should have known all along. Only He knows.